Sexual Assault or: Why I'm so Scared of Going to College

TW: Sexual assault, sexism

I'm leaving for college in a little less than two weeks. Everyone keeps telling me that this is going to be the most exciting time of my life. They say that I'm going to have all these new experiences and meet wonderful people. But how can I do that when I'm afraid to leave my dorm room?

Since I am mainly perceived as female, I was assigned female at birth, and much of the story I will tell occurred before I came out as gender fluid, I'm going to continue writing from the perspective of a female. For a while, I didn't know why I was so frightened by the rate of sexual assault against women on college campuses. It's something that I should be aware of, but not something that should make me scared to step on campus. I really shouldn't worry. I don't drink, parties aren't my social scene, I don't hang out alone with people, and I've taken martial arts for thirteen years. I won't be the one in five women who are victims of sexual assault, right? Right? I feel like I have no reason to be worried, and yet I sometimes bring myself to the verge of a panic attack thinking about it. I think I've come to realize why I'm so panicked. This isn't just an abstract thing that happens to other people. This is my first time admitting this to anyone, but I am a victim of sexual assault.

There are many people who know me who probably won't believe it, so I'll say it again. I am a victim of sexual assault.

*WARNING: THIS IS GETTING INTO DETAILS OF MY ASSAULTS. SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT*

No, I wasn't raped. Sexual assault is a broad term and includes any sexual act performed on someone without their consent. I think molested is a better term for what I experienced.  It was someone who I had been close to for a long time. He was like a son to me. And he molested me on multiple occasions over the course of a year. He would grope me nearly every day through tenth grade even when I told him to stop. He also said things years later that made me fear that he would rape me. He had some anger problems and other mental health issues, so I was constantly walking on eggshells around him. I was afraid that one wrong word would send him into a rage and that he would rape me. It's why I didn't resist when he kissed me. I didn't want it, and it was clear that I didn't want it, but I was too afraid to say "no".

The boy who assaulted me was one of my closest friends, but he seemed to think that I owed him sex or that I was nothing but property. I believe the only reason why he waited until I was a senior in high school to continue with his actions was because he viewed me as someone else's property (my former partner of three years). But I'll never know. Due to an argument between us and a resulting deal, we are no longer speaking to each other.

When the incidents began to occur, I easily could have left the situation. It always happened in a public area of my school, so there were many staff members and other students I could have asked for help. However, I didn't try to leave and no one tried to stop him. People noticed what was going on. They often stared at us while it was happening. Why didn't they help? Because the society we have created tells us that this how men act and how women should respond. That men are sexual aggressors and that women should take a submissive role. That "no" means "convince me". I didn't do anything because no one ever told me that it wasn't okay for him to violate my body. All my life, people have addressed me using language that makes me sound like property. For instance, "Oh, you're Oliver's girlfriend." My name is not "Oliver's girlfriend". The person knew my name. We had spoken a few times before, but he never used it. It was as if I wasn't human enough to have a real name. You can insert the name of any other partner I've had and I can say that I've had that interaction with one of their friends.

From a young age, I had been told, implicitly and explicitly, that I was designed to be in a relationship with a man and to fill the stereotypical gender roles that would fit a woman. My brother and I used to bake cookies and cakes together when we were little. My dad would sometimes walk into the kitchen, call to my mother, and tell her that I would be the next Suzy Homemaker. He never made comments like that about my brother.  My mother told me that I needed to wax my eyebrows and wear more feminine clothes or no man would date me. When my father and I talk about plans for my future, I often have to remind him that I don't want children. He always says "You'll change your mind one day" and continues talking as if I'll be having kids. It's as if what I want to do with my body doesn't matter to him if it's outside the traditional idea of what women should do. I was being implicitly instructed by society that I was my father's property until I started dating someone, and then I became their property. It was as if I couldn't be an independent person.

I was told that my entire self worth should come from a man approving of me. It greatly affected my dating experiences and how I saw myself. People seem to wonder why I have such poor self esteem. This is why, after a breakup occurs, I either immediately jump into someone else's arms or I become incredibly depressed. I never stay single for long, and that really isn't healthy for me. I don't think I've been single for more than six months since seventh grade. I've been single for a little over a month at the time of this post, and I'm absolutely miserable. I feel like I'm not good enough or worthy of anyone's love. I feel like no one will want me ever again and that I'm destined to live my days alone with a large number of cats. I'm working on feeling better about myself, but it's difficult since I have nothing to work from.

The issue of how people are forced into various gender roles is not just a problem for women. Men are also hurt by this phenomenon. The idea that men have to be aggressive and strong forces many to hide their emotions so as not to appear weak or sensitive. It also promotes the idea that men will chase women who are not necessarily receptive to their pursuits because they just can't help themselves. It paints men as if they are simply a gathering of animalistic urges living in a meat suit; that they are less than human and cannot be controlled. Men are better than that. They are better than the boy who assaulted me. Maybe I'm just naive, but I'm willing to believe that. I'm willing to believe that all people are better than the stereotypes we have forced upon them. I believe that these stereotypes do not have to define us and that breaking away from them will help to end the culture of sexual violence on our college campuses.

My school was cited for a Title IX violation this past May. I am still afraid, but I have hope. I have hope that I can reconcile with myself what has happened to me and that I can make a positive change at my school. That's all I could ever ask for.

This was a lot and it was pretty intense for me to write. I really don't want your sympathy. When you read this, don't think "Oh, poor Nick". Think about what you can do to change this. Maybe you could participate in a discussion about what I've written in the comments below. If you're looking for support, feel free to get in contact with me or contact RAINN (Rape Abuse and Incest National Network). Thanks for reading this rambling post.

Lots of love,
Nick

Shit People Say to Aromantics

A lot of people don't even know what being aromantic is. Because of that, when people say that they're aromantic they tend to get a lot of negative and ignorant comments simply because the people they told are ill-educated on the matter. So, at the request of a dear friend, here's the shit people say to aromantics.

"That's the same as asexual.": Not true at all! Asexual means you're not sexually attracted to anyone. Aromantic means that you're not romantically attracted to anyone. Sex does not mean romance and vice versa.

"You just haven't found the right person yet.": It's not a matter of finding the right person. That's like saying to a straight person that they just haven't found the right person to make them gay. You're brushing aside how they're feeling and implying that their feelings are invalid.

"You're a late bloomer.": Nope! Wrong again! There are plenty of aromantic people in all age groups. It's not a "young person" thing. Love, or lack thereof, isn't an age-related phenomenon.

"You'll grow out of it.": Once again, it's not age-related. Aromanticism isn't a phase. It's how people identify. If you say that it's just a phase, then you're telling the person that their opinion doesn't matter because it doesn't match up with what you want it to be.

"But no one wants to die alone!": Maybe you're right. However, that doesn't mean that everyone needs to have a romantic partner. I, for instance, am currently convinced that I'll end up being a crazy cat person with no romantic partner, even though I'm not aromantic. And just because someone's aromantic doesn't mean that they can't have a strong emotional bond with someone. Many aromantics have life partners; they just don't have a romantic attraction to that person. The true definition of "best friends for life".

"That sounds horrible! How do you live like that?": Umm... By eating, sleeping, and breathing? It seems really hard for whoever's asking this question to imagine being aromantic because they've experienced romantic attractions to other people. Not only is that part of who they are, but they are also surrounded by the idea that people are meant to find their "true love". However, some people just don't fit into that box, and that's okay.

That's all I have for aromantics right now. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments section below and I'll get to them as soon as I can. And I want to thank one of my dear friends for this topic suggestion! If you have any personal questions, feel free to contact me at realqueerlife@gmail.com.

Lots of love,
Nick

Growing Up Queer

Growing up queer and gender fluid sucks. I mean, it really sucks. Especially if you don't even know it. That was my childhood in a nutshell. I always knew that I was different, but I never knew why. I'll talk about my friends, partners (Not all of them.), school, and my slow introduction to the LGBTQ community. It's a sad story, but I don't want your pity.

When I was in elementary school, I didn't quite fit in with the other kids. I can remember feeling like an outsider as far back as first grade, although I don't remember much of anything before that. I was definitely labeled as an "outcast" early on. There were many days when I sat by myself at lunch. I sat at the opposite end of the table that the popular girls sat at, and I could feel their eyes on me all through lunch. I could hear them whispering and giggling about me. Recess was much of the same. I played by myself a lot, walking in circles around the playground. I tried to play kickball and wiffle ball with the boys, but either I wouldn't be allowed to play or I would be picked last for teams. I tried to hang out with some girls too, but they didn't like me very much. Besides, talking about where we took dance and how much we loved pink didn't interest me. I've always hated pink. I got lucky though. I wasn't always alone. I became friends with a few other outcasts and we played out iwn games during recess. But, they couldn't shelter me from the worst torture, the school bus. Every day, I had to listen to them harass me. I was the last stop on my bus route, so I sang to myself to keep occupied. Some of the kids had cell phones and recorded my singing. That absolutely mortified me. I also got a death threat from someone on the bus. It read: "Stop being weird or we'll kill you." I was so happy to be moving into the middle school after fifth grade. I thought things would get better. Boy, was I wrong.

Middle school was okay, for the first half of sixth grade. Most of the kids were too worried about adjusting to the school to bother with the weirdo. I would go outside and play with the guys during recess, but they didn't bother with me much. I found a new table to sit at. A whole table of misfits! And, of course, I was the misfit at the table of misfits. I knew I was different, and the other kids knew it too. But, no one wanted to say anything because we were all outcasts. Even the people I thought were my friends didn't want to associate with me. Then right after Valentine's Day I started dating a kid from my orchestra. We'll call him James. James seemed like a really sweet kid. He made me feel like I could belong somewhere. His friends, on the other hand, were a different story. These "friends" were the same guys who I played with during recess earlier in the year. Once they heard that James and I were together, they tormented me constantly. They called me a lesbian, ugly, whore, retarded, freak. They told me that no one would ever want me. The list goes on and on. Not only did they say mean things about me, but they also assaulted me. I was tripped, kicked, shoved, grabbed, and punched on multiple occasions. James would just stand there and laugh as my face was slammed into the dirt of the school baseball diamond. Just my luck, my first partner is emotionally abusive and his friends are even worse. After the beginning on seventh grade, his friends dared him to break up with me, so he did. I cared for all of one day. Then my friend gave me a pumpkin muffin and I got over him. I never dated anyone in my grade in my school again. At the end of seventh grade, I had my first exposure to the LGBTQ community. Two of the girls at my lunch table started dating. They explained this to me, and I remember being really chill about it. They were my friends and they were happy. I'm so glad that I was introduced to the LGBTQ community through them rather than through my parents or my church. Seventh and eighth grade passed, and I was still being harassed every day. Most of the harassment was centered on the idea that I was a lesbian and that I was very butch. How come my enemies came closer to pinpointing who I really was than I did? Anyway, I was very happy when I graduated the eighth grade and got ready to move into the high school.

I feel like I need to address the summer between middle school and high school. Something very important happened to me that summer. I stopped caring about what my peers thought of me. It didn't happen overnight, but the process definitely began that summer. I learned that I could, and should, be happy exactly as I am. I think it's safe to say that this summer was a huge turning point for me. I was finally beginning to realize who I was.

High school didn't start off as well as I'd hoped, but it could've been worse. The harassment was much more limited because I didn't have classes with many I my bullies, nor did I have to share a cafeteria with them anymore. However, there was another issue. At this time, my feelings of dysphoria began to intensify. I had always felt like I didn't quite belong in my body, but I thought the feeling would go away as I got older. However, it only got worse. This caused me to feel depressed and anxious. By the middle of my sophomore year, I fell into a serious depression. My grades dropped drastically and I felt alone. It was a dark time for me, and I seriously contemplated suicide. Trans* people in the United States commit suicide at a rate of 41%, far higher than the national average. I was lucky. I got help. Although the help I received did not address my dysphoria, it certainly helped me a lot. I can say that that part of my life is in the past. By the end of my sophomore year, I was seriously questioning my gender. I didn't feel female, but male didn't quite fit either. I was lost and confused.

The summer between my sophomore and junior years was another pivotal point in time for me. This was the summer I first came across the term "gender fluid". A person I became friends with that summer mentioned the term as we were decorating posters for our camp's GSA. I asked him some more questions on what it meant and it seemed like the term explained how I felt. I was finally starting to feel comfortable with my gender. After some more research, I determined that this was how I felt. By the end of the summer, I came out to my then partner and many of my close friends.

During my junior year I decided that I would join my school's GSA. I'm really glad I did. I was able to connect with kids who understood what I was going through. National Coming Out Day was special for me that year. I decided to come out publicly on Facebook. I got a lot of support from my friends and extended family, but I also got a lot of questions. This constant stream of questions lead me to make this blog, because all those questions needed to be answered somewhere. After that came the YouTube channel that I'm working on starting up. I see good things for me in the future.

So, that's my story from start to finish. I hope you all enjoyed reading the queer story of my life. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or suggestions, please post them in the comments section below. If you have any personal questions, feel free to contact me at realqueerlife@gmail.com. Thank you all for listening to my story.

Lots of love,

Nick

NEWSFLASH #3

Hello everyone!

Newsflash!!! I'm now a contributor to a YouTube channel called Real Queer Life. I'll be doing uploads on Thursdays, but the other contributors will be uploading videos throughout the week. I'm really excited to be part of this channel.We start uploading videos this week. If you're interested in watching the videos, click: http://www.youtube.com/user/RealQueerLife. If you would like to become a weekly contributor, please send an email to realqueerlife@gmail.com and we'll get back to you. I'm looking forward to getting this channel started!

Lots of love,

Nick

National Coming Out Day

Yesterday was October 11. Many of you know this as National Coming Out Day. For those of you who didn't know, now you do. This day marks something very important to me. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of when I came out publicly. And by publicly, I mean that I wrote a rediculously long Facebook post and answered a hell of a lot of questions. Now, not everyone will feel comfortable doing that. I went about it in this manner because I have a lot of friends who live far away (some are international) and I wouldn't be able to tell them face-to-face. I also knew that my friends wouldn't have an issue with me telling them this. I'm so glad I was able to come out and receive such a positive response from the people I care about. For those who are able to come out in safe environments, I'm happy for you. For those who can't come out or are afraid to, I understand. I'm still scared to come out to my family. Just know that it does get better and there are plenty of people out there who love you, myself included, Yes, I love all of you. Remember that you don't have to come out if you're not ready. This is something only you can do.

If anyone wants to talk to me about coming out, or really anything, send an email to realqueerlife@gmail.com. I love hearing from you all. If you have a question or comment that isn't deeply personal, leave it in the comments section below. You'll be hearing more from me soon.

Lots of love,

Nick

Shit People Say to Pansexuals

Pansexuals are often misunderstood and judged because of their orientation. Many people just don't understand what it means to be pansexual. People sometimes make rude or ignorant remarks about pansexuality. Let's take a look at some of those comments and see why they shouldn't be said.

"Does that mean you're attracted to pans?": Yes, they have a sexual attraction to kitchenware. That was sarcasm, in case you're wondering. No, they aren't attracted to pots and pans. The prefix "pan-" means "all". So, people who are pansexual are attracted to people of all kinds of genders.

"Pansexuals are attracted to everyone.": That's not true either. In fact, that just sounds exhausting! Being attracted to everyone you see would just be draining. And a bit creepy too. Being pansexual means you are attracted to people despite their gender.

"Pansexual is just a fancier term for bisexual.": No, there is a clear difference between the two. Pansexuality means a person can be attracted to a someone of any gender. Bisexuality means that a person can be attracted to people of only two genders. There's a huge difference between two and all.

"Pansexuals need to make up their minds.": Pansexuals don't have to make up their minds on anything. They're fine just the way they are.

"Pansexuals are greedy.": How are they greedy? In fact, their quite the opposite. They're sharing their love with everyone. But seriously, their not stealing partners from people and hoarding them. That's really difficult to do and you'll probably get charged with unlawful detainment if you try it.

"They're so promiscuous.": Really? Just because someone is attracted to people of all genders doesn't mean they're sleeping around. Sexuality is a matter of who you're attracted to. It has nothing to do with how often you have sex. And if they are having lots of sex, who cares? It's none of your damn business what people do in the bedroom.

"It's just a phase. You'll grow out of it": Yeah, that's not how sexuality works. It tends to stay with you your entire life. I don't think life is "just a phase". Their sexuality isn't going away anytime soon. You need to get used to the fact that people can feel this way.

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I've been away for a while, but now I'm back! If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or suggestions please leave them in the comments section below. I hope you liked what you read. If you want to read more from this series, click the link at the top of the page titled "Shit People Say: A Series".

Lots of love,
Nick

NEWSFLASH #2

As many of you have probably noticed, the WeAreTheLGBT YouTube channel has been shut down. YouTube malfunctioned and deleted our channel. We decided that it would be best if we didn't try to restart the channel. However, I still really wanted to be part of an LGBT YouTube channel. So, I've decided to start my own channel. It will be called "RealQueerLife" and it'll be up and running soon. But, I still need people to upload videos. If you're interested or you know someone who's interested, contact me through the channel's email, realqueerlife@gmail.com. I hope to be hearing from people soon! I can't wait for the channel to get kick-started!

Lots of love,

Nick