I'm leaving for college in a little less than two weeks. Everyone keeps telling me that this is going to be the most exciting time of my life. They say that I'm going to have all these new experiences and meet wonderful people. But how can I do that when I'm afraid to leave my dorm room?
Since I am mainly perceived as female, I was assigned female at birth, and much of the story I will tell occurred before I came out as gender fluid, I'm going to continue writing from the perspective of a female. For a while, I didn't know why I was so frightened by the rate of sexual assault against women on college campuses. It's something that I should be aware of, but not something that should make me scared to step on campus. I really shouldn't worry. I don't drink, parties aren't my social scene, I don't hang out alone with people, and I've taken martial arts for thirteen years. I won't be the one in five women who are victims of sexual assault, right? Right? I feel like I have no reason to be worried, and yet I sometimes bring myself to the verge of a panic attack thinking about it. I think I've come to realize why I'm so panicked. This isn't just an abstract thing that happens to other people. This is my first time admitting this to anyone, but I am a victim of sexual assault.
There are many people who know me who probably won't believe it, so I'll say it again. I am a victim of sexual assault.
*WARNING: THIS IS GETTING INTO DETAILS OF MY ASSAULTS. SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT*
No, I wasn't raped. Sexual assault is a broad term and includes any sexual act performed on someone without their consent. I think molested is a better term for what I experienced. It was someone who I had been close to for a long time. He was like a son to me. And he molested me on multiple occasions over the course of a year. He would grope me nearly every day through tenth grade even when I told him to stop. He also said things years later that made me fear that he would rape me. He had some anger problems and other mental health issues, so I was constantly walking on eggshells around him. I was afraid that one wrong word would send him into a rage and that he would rape me. It's why I didn't resist when he kissed me. I didn't want it, and it was clear that I didn't want it, but I was too afraid to say "no".
The boy who assaulted me was one of my closest friends, but he seemed to think that I owed him sex or that I was nothing but property. I believe the only reason why he waited until I was a senior in high school to continue with his actions was because he viewed me as someone else's property (my former partner of three years). But I'll never know. Due to an argument between us and a resulting deal, we are no longer speaking to each other.
When the incidents began to occur, I easily could have left the situation. It always happened in a public area of my school, so there were many staff members and other students I could have asked for help. However, I didn't try to leave and no one tried to stop him. People noticed what was going on. They often stared at us while it was happening. Why didn't they help? Because the society we have created tells us that this how men act and how women should respond. That men are sexual aggressors and that women should take a submissive role. That "no" means "convince me". I didn't do anything because no one ever told me that it wasn't okay for him to violate my body. All my life, people have addressed me using language that makes me sound like property. For instance, "Oh, you're Oliver's girlfriend." My name is not "Oliver's girlfriend". The person knew my name. We had spoken a few times before, but he never used it. It was as if I wasn't human enough to have a real name. You can insert the name of any other partner I've had and I can say that I've had that interaction with one of their friends.
From a young age, I had been told, implicitly and explicitly, that I was designed to be in a relationship with a man and to fill the stereotypical gender roles that would fit a woman. My brother and I used to bake cookies and cakes together when we were little. My dad would sometimes walk into the kitchen, call to my mother, and tell her that I would be the next Suzy Homemaker. He never made comments like that about my brother. My mother told me that I needed to wax my eyebrows and wear more feminine clothes or no man would date me. When my father and I talk about plans for my future, I often have to remind him that I don't want children. He always says "You'll change your mind one day" and continues talking as if I'll be having kids. It's as if what I want to do with my body doesn't matter to him if it's outside the traditional idea of what women should do. I was being implicitly instructed by society that I was my father's property until I started dating someone, and then I became their property. It was as if I couldn't be an independent person.
I was told that my entire self worth should come from a man approving of me. It greatly affected my dating experiences and how I saw myself. People seem to wonder why I have such poor self esteem. This is why, after a breakup occurs, I either immediately jump into someone else's arms or I become incredibly depressed. I never stay single for long, and that really isn't healthy for me. I don't think I've been single for more than six months since seventh grade. I've been single for a little over a month at the time of this post, and I'm absolutely miserable. I feel like I'm not good enough or worthy of anyone's love. I feel like no one will want me ever again and that I'm destined to live my days alone with a large number of cats. I'm working on feeling better about myself, but it's difficult since I have nothing to work from.
The issue of how people are forced into various gender roles is not just a problem for women. Men are also hurt by this phenomenon. The idea that men have to be aggressive and strong forces many to hide their emotions so as not to appear weak or sensitive. It also promotes the idea that men will chase women who are not necessarily receptive to their pursuits because they just can't help themselves. It paints men as if they are simply a gathering of animalistic urges living in a meat suit; that they are less than human and cannot be controlled. Men are better than that. They are better than the boy who assaulted me. Maybe I'm just naive, but I'm willing to believe that. I'm willing to believe that all people are better than the stereotypes we have forced upon them. I believe that these stereotypes do not have to define us and that breaking away from them will help to end the culture of sexual violence on our college campuses.
My school was cited for a Title IX violation this past May. I am still afraid, but I have hope. I have hope that I can reconcile with myself what has happened to me and that I can make a positive change at my school. That's all I could ever ask for.
This was a lot and it was pretty intense for me to write. I really don't want your sympathy. When you read this, don't think "Oh, poor Nick". Think about what you can do to change this. Maybe you could participate in a discussion about what I've written in the comments below. If you're looking for support, feel free to get in contact with me or contact RAINN (Rape Abuse and Incest National Network). Thanks for reading this rambling post.
Lots of love,
Nick
I was told that my entire self worth should come from a man approving of me. It greatly affected my dating experiences and how I saw myself. People seem to wonder why I have such poor self esteem. This is why, after a breakup occurs, I either immediately jump into someone else's arms or I become incredibly depressed. I never stay single for long, and that really isn't healthy for me. I don't think I've been single for more than six months since seventh grade. I've been single for a little over a month at the time of this post, and I'm absolutely miserable. I feel like I'm not good enough or worthy of anyone's love. I feel like no one will want me ever again and that I'm destined to live my days alone with a large number of cats. I'm working on feeling better about myself, but it's difficult since I have nothing to work from.
The issue of how people are forced into various gender roles is not just a problem for women. Men are also hurt by this phenomenon. The idea that men have to be aggressive and strong forces many to hide their emotions so as not to appear weak or sensitive. It also promotes the idea that men will chase women who are not necessarily receptive to their pursuits because they just can't help themselves. It paints men as if they are simply a gathering of animalistic urges living in a meat suit; that they are less than human and cannot be controlled. Men are better than that. They are better than the boy who assaulted me. Maybe I'm just naive, but I'm willing to believe that. I'm willing to believe that all people are better than the stereotypes we have forced upon them. I believe that these stereotypes do not have to define us and that breaking away from them will help to end the culture of sexual violence on our college campuses.
My school was cited for a Title IX violation this past May. I am still afraid, but I have hope. I have hope that I can reconcile with myself what has happened to me and that I can make a positive change at my school. That's all I could ever ask for.
This was a lot and it was pretty intense for me to write. I really don't want your sympathy. When you read this, don't think "Oh, poor Nick". Think about what you can do to change this. Maybe you could participate in a discussion about what I've written in the comments below. If you're looking for support, feel free to get in contact with me or contact RAINN (Rape Abuse and Incest National Network). Thanks for reading this rambling post.
Lots of love,
Nick
