Coming Out to Family: It Sucks

Most of you are probably aware of this already, but there are still people I haven't come out to. This shrinking list of people in my life now includes mainly my family. Although your family is supposed to support you no matter what you do or who you are, there is a lot of risk involved with coming out to your family. My mom has an inkling that I'm trans*, and she's trying to force me out of the closet. I'm resisting this as much as I can. Why? I'm not ready to come out yet. While I know that not every coming out experience is horrible, I know mine will be hellish, to say the least. And I haven't heard such great stories from kids who have come out in homes where they weren't accepted.

*Note: I don't believe that all of these things will happen to me or to anyone coming out. Some of them will, and some of them will not. When it comes to me, I'm okay with whatever happens and I know how to take care of myself.*

One of the biggest risks associated with coming out to parents is being thrown out. Some parents are so repulsed by the idea of their kid differing from the "norm" that they actually throw the kid out onto the streets. LGBTQ youth make up 40% of the homeless youth population and the biggest reason for their homelessness is family rejection. Kids who are homeless are higher risk and are more likely to get involved in crime, mainly sex and drug trafficking. Most minors just aren't prepared to live on the streets all by themselves. I know that if I came out to my parents, this is most likely what would happen. I was planning on waiting until after college to come out, but I don't think that's an option anymore, making this a very real possibility.

Another possible scenario is physical abuse from the family. Some kids who come out face physical abuse from parents who are trying to "beat the gay out of them". Being punched, slapped, kicked, and otherwise assaulted is a reality for some kids who come out. Some, mostly teenage boys, have been sent to programs to "make them straight". I recently read an article about this happening at a camp outside the United States, and two boys died there. Both died from a combination of dehydration and regular beatings. This stuff actually does happen all over the world.

Finally, kids can face severe emotional abuse from family members when they come out. The above two scenarios are extreme (although the first one may happen to me). However, verbal and psychological abuse are much more common. Teenagers are harassed and rejected by their own siblings and parents. Today, I read a story about a girl who came out and moved out when she was 17 years old. She had to move back in a few years later, and her entire family turned against her. Her youngest brother tells her every day that she isn't his sister. Her little sister has a family photo prominently displayed in her bedroom with the girl's face cut out of it. Her family constantly tells her that she's going to Hell and that she's a horrible person. Although this may be the least extreme of the three scenarios, it may be the most harmful. It is very obvious if a kid is wandering the streets by themselves or if they have scars and bruises all over their bodies. What's not as obvious is the emotional scars left behind after being called names or being treated as less than by family. And while most physical wounds heal over time, time does not heal emotional scars. Those stay with you fr life.

Thank you for reading this rambling post. I just wanted to say all of this. I'm coming out to my parents soon. And sure, I might get kicked out. But, I still consider myself one of the lucky ones. I have many friends who have offered me a place to stay if anything happens to me. You know who you are, and thank you so much. You guys mean the world to me. But keep an eye out for kids who are having a tough time coming out at home. Just be there for them. Offer them a hot meal, maybe a place to crash for the night, a chance to get away for a little while. You'll never truly know how much it means to them.

If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or topics for discussion, please write in the comments section below. I want to hear from you guys. Give me ideas!

Lots of Love,
Nick

Trans* Kids and Prom: Avoiding Prama

Most high school students end up going to prom. Whether they go by themselves, with a date, or with a group of friends, prom is a great time. But prom can be dicey for trans* kids. At school, it's not so easy to tell if someone is trying to pass as a guy or a girl. At prom, it's pretty easy to tell the difference between suits/tuxedos and dresses. This dichotomy can make trans* kids stand out because they don't look quite like the other students. Here are two stories about trans* kids at prom. The first story is from a friend who I'll call Jennifer. The second story is about me and one of my trans* friends.

Jennifer messaged me the other day on Facebook to tell me the story about what happened to a trans* woman at her prom.

"Saturday was my Senior Prom, and my school goes all out: we still hold our prom in the gym, the students make all of the decorations, it's a whole big production and an important event in our community. The prom is so huge that it has ceased to matter whether or not you go with a date, or what gender your date is (I, personally, ended up going with a female friend because I don't have a boyfriend and date drama isn't my thing). You would think that all of the community spirit and love that goes into the making of this prom would extend, in some way, to acceptance for the transgender community, and their want to dress to their gender identity, not their body parts, and while the school doesn't seem to care (they are just happy when kids wear enough clothing to fully cover everything), the student body still holds some major prejudices. Sadly, I saw this first hand. While at prom I met a lovely trans-woman who, for privacy's sake we will call Ann. I had seen Ann on several other occasions in school, always dressed as a boy, but because my school is so large we had never really met. When I met her initially, all I felt was happiness that she felt comfortable coming to prom in full female garb: dress, heels, lipstick, the works. It wasn't until an acquaintance came over that I began to get angry for her sake. This person, who I will refer to as Bob, originally came over and questioned my date and I about Ann's identity. After realizing that Ann was, indeed, a trans-woman, Bob left. Five minutes later, he came back with two friends. Bob looked at my date and I and said "these two wanted to see 'her', so I'm going to pretend to talk to you". At that point I was severely annoyed. I don't think Ann realized what was going on, but her lack of knowledge did not make what they were doing right. I figured that if they wanted to stare at something they could find it else where; Ann is a person, not a freak show. So I did what I figured any sane person would do: I calmly stepped to the other side of my date, blocking their view. I didn't want to make a scene, and I'm not sure if they realized I did so on purpose. My date did realize what I was doing, and asked me later about it: she is fully aware of the fact that I have strong feelings on the matter of LBGT equality, and I am fully aware that she does not share in the level of my feelings, but to me, what I did was worth it. Ann may never know, if she does, it may not even matter to her, but it did matter to me."

Jennifer did the right thing at her prom. I'm so glad that she stood up for the trans* woman. The best thing to do is to not make a scene. There's no need to draw even more attention toward the situation. But, if there's continuous verbal harassment or violence involved, you definitely should draw attention to the incident. Especially get the attention of the teachers. I don't care how much a teacher hates the trans* community, they legally cannot allow the abuse to continue (depending on the state).

Now for my story. I know quite a few trans* people and most of them go to my school. One of them is a trans* man and he is one of my best friends. Let's call him John. Unlike some schools, my school doesn't host a post prom party. So I ended up hosting it at my house. Pre-prom was hosted by one of my other friends and John was invited to both parties. When my mom asked who was coming to the post prom party and I told her John and his girlfriend (we'll call her Stacey) were coming over, she flew off the handle.

"How dare you invite her over when you know how I feel about 'those people'. How could she embarrass her family like that? And what about Stacey? Is she a girl?" my mother repeated so many times, constantly using the wrong pronouns and name.

"Is she a girl?" and "Is he a boy?" is my mom's way of asking if someone is transgender. It's very rude, if you ask me. My mom was so stressed out the day of prom. She actually wanted to keep me from being in the same prom photos as John. Bigoted much? And then she banned John and Stacey from PDA when they came over. Meanwhile, all of my friends were sucking faces with their dates and my mom had no problem with it.

My mom also said, "I don't accept those people and I never will." Ouch, mom. What she doesn't realize is that her kid is transgender and every word she said cut me like a knife. One day she will look back and be embarrassed that she ever said those horrible things. Or maybe not. Maybe she'll just be a bigot for the rest of her life. But if she stays this way, she;ll have a child walk out of her life.

Now, what do you do in a situation like this? I warned John about the possibility of my parents not reacting well to his presence, and he was okay with that. Let the person know what they might be getting into beforehand. The person may decide that it's not in their best interest to go, and you need to respect that. It's best not to stir the pot, especially since most people at prom are minors. You don't want to cause too much prama under your parents' roof. I talked to my dad about what was going on (he's much more accepting than my mom). I was able to have a serious, level-headed discussion with him about how he feels about me having my trans* friends over. Try to stay calm. If you get aggravated, so will whoever you're arguing with. You can't change someone's mind by screaming at them. That only turns people off. As long as you keep your wits about you and you have a good head on your shoulders, it'll work out just fine. Remember, education is the key to acceptance.

If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions for posts please post in the comments section below. I love hearing from you guys and I want some fresh ideas.

Lots of love,

Nick