Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Trans* Kids and Prom: Avoiding Prama

Most high school students end up going to prom. Whether they go by themselves, with a date, or with a group of friends, prom is a great time. But prom can be dicey for trans* kids. At school, it's not so easy to tell if someone is trying to pass as a guy or a girl. At prom, it's pretty easy to tell the difference between suits/tuxedos and dresses. This dichotomy can make trans* kids stand out because they don't look quite like the other students. Here are two stories about trans* kids at prom. The first story is from a friend who I'll call Jennifer. The second story is about me and one of my trans* friends.

Jennifer messaged me the other day on Facebook to tell me the story about what happened to a trans* woman at her prom.

"Saturday was my Senior Prom, and my school goes all out: we still hold our prom in the gym, the students make all of the decorations, it's a whole big production and an important event in our community. The prom is so huge that it has ceased to matter whether or not you go with a date, or what gender your date is (I, personally, ended up going with a female friend because I don't have a boyfriend and date drama isn't my thing). You would think that all of the community spirit and love that goes into the making of this prom would extend, in some way, to acceptance for the transgender community, and their want to dress to their gender identity, not their body parts, and while the school doesn't seem to care (they are just happy when kids wear enough clothing to fully cover everything), the student body still holds some major prejudices. Sadly, I saw this first hand. While at prom I met a lovely trans-woman who, for privacy's sake we will call Ann. I had seen Ann on several other occasions in school, always dressed as a boy, but because my school is so large we had never really met. When I met her initially, all I felt was happiness that she felt comfortable coming to prom in full female garb: dress, heels, lipstick, the works. It wasn't until an acquaintance came over that I began to get angry for her sake. This person, who I will refer to as Bob, originally came over and questioned my date and I about Ann's identity. After realizing that Ann was, indeed, a trans-woman, Bob left. Five minutes later, he came back with two friends. Bob looked at my date and I and said "these two wanted to see 'her', so I'm going to pretend to talk to you". At that point I was severely annoyed. I don't think Ann realized what was going on, but her lack of knowledge did not make what they were doing right. I figured that if they wanted to stare at something they could find it else where; Ann is a person, not a freak show. So I did what I figured any sane person would do: I calmly stepped to the other side of my date, blocking their view. I didn't want to make a scene, and I'm not sure if they realized I did so on purpose. My date did realize what I was doing, and asked me later about it: she is fully aware of the fact that I have strong feelings on the matter of LBGT equality, and I am fully aware that she does not share in the level of my feelings, but to me, what I did was worth it. Ann may never know, if she does, it may not even matter to her, but it did matter to me."

Jennifer did the right thing at her prom. I'm so glad that she stood up for the trans* woman. The best thing to do is to not make a scene. There's no need to draw even more attention toward the situation. But, if there's continuous verbal harassment or violence involved, you definitely should draw attention to the incident. Especially get the attention of the teachers. I don't care how much a teacher hates the trans* community, they legally cannot allow the abuse to continue (depending on the state).

Now for my story. I know quite a few trans* people and most of them go to my school. One of them is a trans* man and he is one of my best friends. Let's call him John. Unlike some schools, my school doesn't host a post prom party. So I ended up hosting it at my house. Pre-prom was hosted by one of my other friends and John was invited to both parties. When my mom asked who was coming to the post prom party and I told her John and his girlfriend (we'll call her Stacey) were coming over, she flew off the handle.

"How dare you invite her over when you know how I feel about 'those people'. How could she embarrass her family like that? And what about Stacey? Is she a girl?" my mother repeated so many times, constantly using the wrong pronouns and name.

"Is she a girl?" and "Is he a boy?" is my mom's way of asking if someone is transgender. It's very rude, if you ask me. My mom was so stressed out the day of prom. She actually wanted to keep me from being in the same prom photos as John. Bigoted much? And then she banned John and Stacey from PDA when they came over. Meanwhile, all of my friends were sucking faces with their dates and my mom had no problem with it.

My mom also said, "I don't accept those people and I never will." Ouch, mom. What she doesn't realize is that her kid is transgender and every word she said cut me like a knife. One day she will look back and be embarrassed that she ever said those horrible things. Or maybe not. Maybe she'll just be a bigot for the rest of her life. But if she stays this way, she;ll have a child walk out of her life.

Now, what do you do in a situation like this? I warned John about the possibility of my parents not reacting well to his presence, and he was okay with that. Let the person know what they might be getting into beforehand. The person may decide that it's not in their best interest to go, and you need to respect that. It's best not to stir the pot, especially since most people at prom are minors. You don't want to cause too much prama under your parents' roof. I talked to my dad about what was going on (he's much more accepting than my mom). I was able to have a serious, level-headed discussion with him about how he feels about me having my trans* friends over. Try to stay calm. If you get aggravated, so will whoever you're arguing with. You can't change someone's mind by screaming at them. That only turns people off. As long as you keep your wits about you and you have a good head on your shoulders, it'll work out just fine. Remember, education is the key to acceptance.

If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions for posts please post in the comments section below. I love hearing from you guys and I want some fresh ideas.

Lots of love,
Nick

No comments:

Post a Comment