Coming out is a process specific to people of the LGBTQ community. For those of you who don't know what "coming out" means, it is the process of disclosing to people what your sexual and/or gender orientation is. "So what's the big deal? Once you come out it's over, right?" Well, not exactly.
With over 7 billion people in the world, there is always someone new to meet and explain your story to. This means that the process never really ends. The overall goal is to have everyone in your life aware of your identification with the LGBTQ community. However, new people walk into our lives all the time. This means that you always have a new person to explain yourself to. While this may not be a problem for some people (I'm pretty vocal about my gender/sexual orientation), others may have a harder time coming out.
The most important part of coming out is comfort. You should only come out when you feel ready to. It's pretty hard to go back into the closet once you've come out, so you need to be prepared. It can be really difficult coming out, especially to your family and close friends. However, it does get easier with time. The first person I came out to, I made her guess what I wanted to tell her. When I came out to my boyfriend, I called him and stalled for 45 minutes before actually telling him. That was in August. Now, I'm quite willing to tell people about my gender identity. I came out on Facebook on National Coming Out Day (October 11). I still struggle sometimes though. My biggest issue is coming out to my parents. I'm still figuring out how to do that. As comfortable as I seem with my sexual/gender orientation, coming out still makes me nervous and even scares me a bit.
For some of you, coming out is especially hard. Some of you (like me) are in homes where your families aren't supportive. Some of you go to schools where the students and staff don't respect who you are. And some of you feel like you are being treated as less than by your church or place of worship (My church is okay with my trans* status, but it doesn't support the gay community. Strange, I know.). If anybody wants to talk to me about coming out, ask questions about how to do it, or just express your concerns, please contact me. I'm always here to talk to you. My email is kittypal853@gmail.com. I'm always here for you.
If you have any questions or comments about this post, please put them in the comments section below (or send them to my email if you want to remain anonymous).
Lots of Love,
Nick
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Relationships: Trans* Edition
Dating is difficult. I don't care who's in the relationship, how many people are involved, or where you live. But for some people, dating is made even more difficult. People who are trans* tend to have a more difficult time while dating because of preconceived notions that their partners may have. Here are some of the DO's and DON'T's of dating a trans* person.
DO respect boundaries: Everyone has limits on what they're willing to do. Trans* people are no exception. Respecting boundaries is a necessary part of any relationship.
DON'T make inappropriate comments about your partner's body: People are sensitive about their body, some more so than others. However, people who are transgender may have different aspects that they're sensitive about. Comments about hormone use or surgery (if used) are not appropriate. Check out the video at the bottom for a poem about trans* bodies and relationships.
DO show lots of support for your partner: Relationships are all about love, trust, and support. Be there for your partner, no matter what happens. Come rain, snow, or transition surgery, your partner needs your love and care.
DON'T rely on prejudices: There are a lot of misconceptions about the trans* community. Ideas like "Trans* people are sex workers" and "Trans* people aren't real men/women." It's really bad to go into a relationship with these prejudices in mind. They're unhealthy and can ruin relationships. Keeping an open mind is the key to fostering a healthy relationship.
These guidelines are important in any relationship, but they may need to be tailored to fit a relationship where one or more partners are transgender. Just remember that people just want to love and be loved. Feel free to post any questions in the comments. I'll try my best to answer them.
Lots of love,
Nick
How to Make Love to a Trans* Person by Gabe Moses
DO respect boundaries: Everyone has limits on what they're willing to do. Trans* people are no exception. Respecting boundaries is a necessary part of any relationship.
DON'T make inappropriate comments about your partner's body: People are sensitive about their body, some more so than others. However, people who are transgender may have different aspects that they're sensitive about. Comments about hormone use or surgery (if used) are not appropriate. Check out the video at the bottom for a poem about trans* bodies and relationships.
DO show lots of support for your partner: Relationships are all about love, trust, and support. Be there for your partner, no matter what happens. Come rain, snow, or transition surgery, your partner needs your love and care.
DON'T rely on prejudices: There are a lot of misconceptions about the trans* community. Ideas like "Trans* people are sex workers" and "Trans* people aren't real men/women." It's really bad to go into a relationship with these prejudices in mind. They're unhealthy and can ruin relationships. Keeping an open mind is the key to fostering a healthy relationship.
These guidelines are important in any relationship, but they may need to be tailored to fit a relationship where one or more partners are transgender. Just remember that people just want to love and be loved. Feel free to post any questions in the comments. I'll try my best to answer them.
Lots of love,
Nick
How to Make Love to a Trans* Person by Gabe Moses
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Transgender - We're Not Confused
People have a lot of misconceptions about what it means to be transgender. Because of this, they tend to ask rude and inconsiderate questions or say things which are offensive. Some people ask questions and say things because they're mean, others because they just don't know how offensive it is. Let's take a look at a few of those questions/ statements:
"What's your real name? You know, your birth name?": This is meant to destroy the validity of someone's gender identity. I know some of you are just curious, but there's a reason why people who are trans* tend to change their names. They don't identify with the name given to them by their parents, and they don't want it to be part of their story. They want you to know them as they are now, not as they used to be.
"It's just a phase, you'll get over it.": Umm... We're not dying our hair or getting piercings here. Being transgender may (but not always) constitute surgery and hormone treatments. Yes, those are permanent, so you can bet that anyone who is suggesting that is pretty serious. And it's not growing pains either. You don't "grow into your gender".
Anything that has to do with genitals: Why do you care? Their mine, not yours! I don't ask you about your sex organs, so don't ask me about mine. That's just nosy.
"You're not really a girl/boy because you haven't had surgery/hormone treatment": You don't have to have specific genitals to be male or female. And your hormones certainly have nothing to do with it. And for some people, there aren't any hormone therapies or surgeries that match their gender identity (I'm looking at you, gender fluid and third gender people). Gender is a self-identity. It has nothing to do with DNA or hormones or how you dress. It's about how people feel and see themselves. You have no right to deem what someone else's gender is simply because they don't meet your requirements.
"It's not on your birth certificate/passport/other legal document so I can address you as a boy/girl even though you want me to address you as a girl/boy": Okay, if you're saying this, you're a real jerk. Since when do documents define who we are. Documents can be changed, lost, and completely remade. Why does a little piece of paper determine who I am?
Just remember, always be kind and considerate. You never know who's listening.
Please, feel free to post questions in the comments section below. I love responding to you guys.
Love,
Nick
"What's your real name? You know, your birth name?": This is meant to destroy the validity of someone's gender identity. I know some of you are just curious, but there's a reason why people who are trans* tend to change their names. They don't identify with the name given to them by their parents, and they don't want it to be part of their story. They want you to know them as they are now, not as they used to be.
"It's just a phase, you'll get over it.": Umm... We're not dying our hair or getting piercings here. Being transgender may (but not always) constitute surgery and hormone treatments. Yes, those are permanent, so you can bet that anyone who is suggesting that is pretty serious. And it's not growing pains either. You don't "grow into your gender".
Anything that has to do with genitals: Why do you care? Their mine, not yours! I don't ask you about your sex organs, so don't ask me about mine. That's just nosy.
"You're not really a girl/boy because you haven't had surgery/hormone treatment": You don't have to have specific genitals to be male or female. And your hormones certainly have nothing to do with it. And for some people, there aren't any hormone therapies or surgeries that match their gender identity (I'm looking at you, gender fluid and third gender people). Gender is a self-identity. It has nothing to do with DNA or hormones or how you dress. It's about how people feel and see themselves. You have no right to deem what someone else's gender is simply because they don't meet your requirements.
"It's not on your birth certificate/passport/other legal document so I can address you as a boy/girl even though you want me to address you as a girl/boy": Okay, if you're saying this, you're a real jerk. Since when do documents define who we are. Documents can be changed, lost, and completely remade. Why does a little piece of paper determine who I am?
Just remember, always be kind and considerate. You never know who's listening.
Please, feel free to post questions in the comments section below. I love responding to you guys.
Love,
Nick
Friday, March 1, 2013
Gender is a Universe
"While squatting down to take a piss in a bathroom stall, I read, 'Gender is a universe and we are all stars scribbled on the wall'," is the opening line for Lacey Roop's poem "Gender is a Universe" (link below). And while I don't usually approve of looking to bathroom stalls for wisdom, I think I can make an exception here. Gender is such a broad term, and we all fall inside of it in different places. Each person has their own variation on their gender identity. That's what makes us all unique. But, society does try to dictate what "male" and "female" means and tends to exclude gender non-binary people. Society's rules are what create gender in the first place. Gender is the social expectations, roles, and behavior associated with a specific sex.
The other day, I was asked about what being gender fluid really means. For me, it means that my gender identity changes constantly, that I'm not confined to any set of gender roles or stereotypes. That my behavior can change, but it's just part of being me. I'm not confused and I'm not "just a tomboy". That's how I see my gender identity, but others may use the same title and have a completely different experience with their gender.
Someone also commented that everyone is a little gender fluid. I have to agree. I don't know anyone who truly fits society's description of "male" and "female". Those gender roles and expectations are too limiting for most people to abide by. This is very similar to the "everyone's a little bit gay" idea. And while there is so much variation in how gender is perceived, there is also a lot of flexibility in how gender labels are used. There are many feminine males and just as many masculine females, but that doesn't necessarily change their gender identity. Just remember to be respectful of the gender people prefer to identify with. Just because someone follows some expectations and roles of a specific gender doesn't mean that they identify as such. Remember, be courteous and don't be afraid to ask about preferred pronouns.
Lots of Love,
Nick
Gender is a Universe:
The other day, I was asked about what being gender fluid really means. For me, it means that my gender identity changes constantly, that I'm not confined to any set of gender roles or stereotypes. That my behavior can change, but it's just part of being me. I'm not confused and I'm not "just a tomboy". That's how I see my gender identity, but others may use the same title and have a completely different experience with their gender.
Someone also commented that everyone is a little gender fluid. I have to agree. I don't know anyone who truly fits society's description of "male" and "female". Those gender roles and expectations are too limiting for most people to abide by. This is very similar to the "everyone's a little bit gay" idea. And while there is so much variation in how gender is perceived, there is also a lot of flexibility in how gender labels are used. There are many feminine males and just as many masculine females, but that doesn't necessarily change their gender identity. Just remember to be respectful of the gender people prefer to identify with. Just because someone follows some expectations and roles of a specific gender doesn't mean that they identify as such. Remember, be courteous and don't be afraid to ask about preferred pronouns.
Lots of Love,
Nick
Gender is a Universe:
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