Coming Out: Does it Ever End?

Coming out is a process specific to people of the LGBTQ community. For those of you who don't know what "coming out" means, it is the process of disclosing to people what your sexual and/or gender orientation is. "So what's the big deal? Once you come out it's over, right?" Well, not exactly.

With over 7 billion people in the world, there is always someone new to meet and explain your story to. This means that the process never really ends. The overall goal is to have everyone in your life aware of your identification with the LGBTQ community. However, new people walk into our lives all the time. This means that you always have a new person to explain yourself to. While this may not be a problem for some people (I'm pretty vocal about my gender/sexual orientation), others may have a harder time coming out.

The most important part of coming out is comfort. You should only come out when you feel ready to. It's pretty hard to go back into the closet once you've come out, so you need to be prepared. It can be really difficult coming out, especially to your family and close friends. However, it does get easier with time. The first person I came out to, I made her guess what I wanted to tell her. When I came out to my boyfriend, I called him and stalled for 45 minutes before actually telling him. That was in August. Now, I'm quite willing to tell people about my gender identity. I came out on Facebook on National Coming Out Day (October 11). I still struggle sometimes though. My biggest issue is coming out to my parents. I'm still figuring out how to do that. As comfortable as I seem with my sexual/gender orientation, coming out still makes me nervous and even scares me a bit.

For some of you, coming out is especially hard. Some of you (like me) are in homes where your families aren't supportive. Some of you go to schools where the students and staff don't respect who you are. And some of you feel like you are being treated as less than by your church or place of worship (My church is okay with my trans* status, but it doesn't support the gay community. Strange, I know.). If anybody wants to talk to me about coming out, ask questions about how to do it, or just express your concerns, please contact me. I'm always here to talk to you. My email is kittypal853@gmail.com. I'm always here for you.

If you have any questions or comments about this post, please put them in the comments section below (or send them to my email if you want to remain anonymous).

Lots of Love,
Nick

Relationships: Trans* Edition

Dating is difficult. I don't care who's in the relationship, how many people are involved, or where you live. But for some people, dating is made even more difficult. People who are trans* tend to have a more difficult time while dating because of preconceived notions that their partners may have. Here are some of the DO's and DON'T's of dating a trans* person.

DO respect boundaries: Everyone has limits on what they're willing to do. Trans* people are no exception. Respecting boundaries is a necessary part of any relationship.

DON'T make inappropriate comments about your partner's body: People are sensitive about their body, some more so than others. However, people who are transgender may have different aspects that they're sensitive about. Comments about hormone use or surgery (if used) are not appropriate. Check out the video at the bottom for a poem about trans* bodies and relationships.

DO show lots of support for your partner: Relationships are all about love, trust, and support. Be there for your partner, no matter what happens. Come rain, snow, or transition surgery, your partner needs your love and care.

DON'T rely on prejudices: There are a lot of misconceptions about the trans* community. Ideas like "Trans* people are sex workers" and "Trans* people aren't real men/women." It's really bad to go into a relationship with these prejudices in mind. They're unhealthy and can ruin relationships. Keeping an open mind is the key to fostering a healthy relationship.

These guidelines are important in any relationship, but they may need to be tailored to fit a relationship where one or more partners are transgender. Just remember that people just want to love and be loved. Feel free to post any questions in the comments. I'll try my best to answer them.

Lots of love,
Nick

How to Make Love to a Trans* Person by Gabe Moses

Transgender - We're Not Confused

People have a lot of misconceptions about what it means to be transgender. Because of this, they tend to ask rude and inconsiderate questions or say things which are offensive. Some people ask questions and say things because they're mean, others because they just don't know how offensive it is. Let's take a look at a few of those questions/ statements:

"What's your real name? You know, your birth name?": This is meant to destroy the validity of someone's gender identity. I know some of you are just curious, but there's a reason why people who are trans* tend to change their names. They don't identify with the name given to them by their parents, and they don't want it to be part of their story. They want you to know them as they are now, not as they used to be.

"It's just a phase, you'll get over it.": Umm... We're not dying our hair or getting piercings here. Being transgender may (but not always) constitute surgery and hormone treatments. Yes, those are permanent, so you can bet that anyone who is suggesting that is pretty serious. And it's not growing pains either. You don't "grow into your gender".

Anything that has to do with genitals: Why do you care? Their mine, not yours! I don't ask you about your sex organs, so don't ask me about mine. That's just nosy.

"You're not really a girl/boy because you haven't had surgery/hormone treatment": You don't have to have specific genitals to be male or female. And your hormones certainly have nothing to do with it. And for some people, there aren't any hormone therapies or surgeries that match their gender identity (I'm looking at you, gender fluid and third gender people). Gender is a self-identity. It has nothing to do with DNA or hormones or how you dress. It's about how people feel and see themselves. You have no right to deem what someone else's gender is simply because they don't meet your requirements.

"It's not on your birth certificate/passport/other legal document so I can address you as a boy/girl even though you want me to address you as a girl/boy": Okay, if  you're saying this, you're a real jerk. Since when do documents define who we are. Documents can be changed, lost, and completely remade. Why does a little piece of paper determine who I am?

Just remember, always be kind and considerate. You never know who's listening.

Please, feel free to post questions in the comments section below. I love responding to you guys.

Love,
Nick

Gender is a Universe

"While squatting down to take a piss in a bathroom stall, I read, 'Gender is a universe and we are all stars scribbled on the wall'," is the opening line for Lacey Roop's poem "Gender is a Universe" (link below). And while I don't usually approve of looking to bathroom stalls for wisdom, I think I can make an exception here. Gender is such a broad term, and we all fall inside of it in different places. Each person has their own variation on their gender identity. That's what makes us all unique. But, society does try to dictate what "male" and "female" means and tends to exclude gender non-binary people. Society's rules are what create gender in the first place. Gender is the social expectations, roles, and behavior associated with a specific sex.

The other day, I was asked about what being gender fluid really means. For me, it means that my gender identity changes constantly, that I'm not confined to any set of gender roles or stereotypes. That my behavior can change, but it's just part of being me. I'm not confused and I'm not "just a tomboy". That's how I see my gender identity, but others may use the same title and have a completely different experience with their gender.

Someone also commented that everyone is a little gender fluid. I have to agree. I don't know anyone who truly fits society's description of "male" and "female". Those gender roles and expectations are too limiting for most people to abide by. This is very similar to the "everyone's a little bit gay" idea. And while there is so much variation in how gender is perceived, there is also a lot of flexibility in how gender labels are used. There are many feminine males and just as many masculine females, but that doesn't necessarily change their gender identity. Just remember to be respectful of the gender people prefer to identify with. Just because someone follows some expectations and roles of a specific gender doesn't mean that they identify as such. Remember, be courteous and don't be afraid to ask about preferred pronouns.

Lots of Love,
Nick

Gender is a Universe:

Pronouns - What's Up With Them?

A lot of people I know have questions about pronouns and how to use them. Okay, maybe not he, she, and it, but some of the more obscure pronouns can seem confusing. Most pronouns are either masculine or feminine. The male pronouns in English are He/Him/His/His/Himself. The female ones are She/Her/Her/Hers/Herself. And that all seems fine, but there's a problem. There are plenty of people who don't identify as male or female. Are there pronouns for those people? Absolutely! They're called gender neutral pronouns. There are many different sets of gender neutral pronouns, but here are the ones I prefer to use.

Ze/Hir/Hir/Hirs/Hirself : These are the pronouns I prefer to use. Ze, pronounced "zee", and Hir, pronounced "here", are two of the most common gender neutral pronouns. NOTE: There are a few different ways to spell "ze", but this is the spelling I use. Example: Ze is going to the movies tonight. That is hir ticket. Ze likes hirself.

There are a lot more gender neutral pronouns than that. It can be a little difficult to keep track of them, so I'll list a few more sets.

Xe/Xem/Xyr/Xyrs/Xemself
E/Em/Eir/Eirs/Emself
Ve/Ver/Vis/Vis/Virself
Yo/Yon/Yos/Yos/Yoself
Ne/Nem/Nir/Nirs/Nemself
They/Them/Their/Theirs/Theirself

WARNING: "It" is a gender neutral pronoun. That does not mean that you can call someone who is gender non-binary an "it". It's dehumanizing and just plain rude. How would you like to be called an "it"? DON'T DO IT!!!!

What's the importance of pronouns? Well, they shape our reality. And I don't mean that the pronouns you use can change the laws of physics, but they do determine the world we live in. Whether you use male, female, or gender neutral pronouns determines the kinds of interactions you have with the rest of society. Pronouns are an important part of our identity, even if we don't realize it. And because it's so important, they should be respected. If someone tells you that they are gender non-binary (gender fluid, third gender, agender, etc.), you should ask what their preferred pronouns are. It's better to get that out of the way in the beginning than to call someone by the wrong pronouns. As I said before, "it" is not an acceptable pronoun. Also, "he/she" is really rude. That is a derogatory term, so don't ever use it. Overall, just be respectful of each other. People should be able to use whatever pronouns they want.

Please, feel free to post questions in the comments below. I will answer questions in future posts, so ask away!

Best Wishes,
Nick

P.S. Here's one of my favorite spoken-word poems. It's all about being transgender and using pronouns. It's titled "Hir".

Welcome to Real Queer Life

So, you're here. Welcome! At this point, you're probably either a friend of mine who noticed I started a blog about my life, or you're someone who just Googled "queer" to find people to bash a bit before you said your prayers and went to bed. There will be no hate here; so if you're here to be mean, you won't be welcome. Now that that's out of the way, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nick and I'm 16 years old. I live in New York, U.S.A. I'm a musician, an athlete, and a member of a robotics team. My favorite color is purple and I have an unhealthy obsession with "Doctor Who". Alright, now it's time for everyone to really get to know me. Yes, I'm queer, and in more ways than you might think. For starters, I'm gender queer. Or, as I prefer to call it, gender fluid. This means that I can identify as male, female, both, neither, or any combination depending on how I feel. On that note, I should tell you about my preferred pronouns. I don't use these pronouns in public, but I would like people who read this blog to use "ze" and "hir" when addressing me (more on gender-neutral pronouns and how to use them in a later post). I'm also queer when it comes to my sexual orientation. Since terms like "gay" and "straight" are targeted for people who fit the gender binary (identify as male or female), I don't quite fit either of those terms. So, I identify as queer because it covers anything that isn't heterosexual. Finally, I'm queer because I''m just... different. I'm just a wacky person who's really awkward and absolutely loves people. I've got my pet peeves and quirks that even I don't understand, like a hatred for bad grammar. But I'm also human, plain and simple. I love, I laugh, I cry. You'll see all of those and more as I keep posting.

Love,
Nick

P.S. Comment on this post with any questions you have! I'll try to answer them in my next post.